The 3 Helps principle or a recipe for lifelong fulfilment (Part 3 of 3)

Positive Minds | Positive Stories | Edition 022

Principle #3: Ask for Help.

Once upon a time, a young man in his thirties had a conversation with his supervisor about his career aspirations.

"What do you want to be in the future," his boss asked him. "I haven't thought about it," replied the young man, visibly surprised by the question.

"I'll see you as country director before you turn 40," his boss said. Then he added, "but for that, you have to read, write and speak good English". This was when almost all the country directors were white Western men, over 50, with grey or white hair. They were commonly referred to as "overseas expatriates", reinforcing the perception of an "old boys' club" accessible to a few. "Unthinkable", the young man whispered.

A year later, the young man comes to see his boss with a plan to learn English. His proposal was simple: use his accrued leave days to take intensive English classes in Ghana while staying with a host family. His employer bears the cost of air tickets and course-related expenses. He commits to passing the final exam and writing and speaking in English upon returning to the office. His boss agreed to the deal.

That young man was me. My boss was the country director of Plan International Guinea at the time and now my mentor.

I stayed for 5 weeks in Ghana with a host family. I passed my exam. And as my boss predicted, at 39 years old, I was appointed Plan International's country director in Togo.

This was possible because I asked for help and someone offered help. However, the most important thing here is how you ask for help. There are three essential things to keep in mind. When you ask for help, first, ask for help from someone who can and is willing to help you. Second, say what your own contribution is going to be. Third, be clear about what you are committing to do when you receive help and honour your commitment.

Ask for help from someone who can and is willing to help you.

People may not be able to help you for several reasons. They may not have the authority, means or skills to do so. Maybe helping you may create a conflict of interest. Or maybe you have not been grateful to the person in the past. Or worse, the person doesn't want to help you at all.

So before you ask for help, make sure that the person you ask can and wants to help you.

My boss had the authority, means, skills and willingness to help me. And he did.

Say what your own contribution will be.

A Malian proverb teaches us that "if one washes your back, wash your stomach". In other words, the burden must be shared. If you expect people to carry all your burdens for you, they will turn their backs on you. In the end, you will be the loser.

Before you ask for help, think carefully about your own contribution. When people feel that you are making an effort, they are more likely to help you. But if they feel that you want to "abuse" their kindness, they may be slower to offer you help or not help at all. Even worse, they may prevent others from helping you as well, especially if they are in a position of power or influence.

My boss was willing to help me because I was willing to forego my leave to take English classes.

Specify what you are committing to do when you receive help and honour your commitment.

When we sincerely help others, we expect nothing in return. That said, we hope for a moral reward, the reward of seeing that our help has contributed to something meaningful.

My boss had a short-term moral reward and a longer-term one. His short-term reward was my commitment to pass my exam and to speak English when I returned from Ghana; a commitment I kept. His longer-term reward was to see his prediction come true: that I would become a country director before I turned 40. That prediction also came true.

In conclusion, "Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it... Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness; it's a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don't know something, and to learn something new. " — Barack Obama.

"Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it... Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don't know something, and to learn something new. " — Barack Obama

As a reminder, you can read or reread Principle 1 "Help yourself" and Principle 2 "Offer help".